JOKES sent in by Stephen Fleming

JOKES sent in by Stephen Fleming(1975), Vauxhall

10 Things I Learned on Holiday

1. When learning to scuba dive, do not attempt to breathe without air tanks. This can lead to a serious condition known as drowning.

2. Do not over tip; this produces smirks and nudges, as well as a long queue of people wishing to attend your every need (stated or unstated).

3. Do not under tip; you will have to do everything for yourself and endure dark looks/muttering/accidental toe stepping.

4. Do not march confidently into a shop and screech "does anyone here speak English?". You will surely be embarrassed when someone steps forward, leans towards you and says quietly "Sir, this is London". Especially if you are a woman.

5. Do not try out chocolates, drinks, cigarettes, etc. in any duty free areas, or the shops where you are staying. This can lead to a serious condition known as shoplifting. This may in turn lead to an even more serious condition known as imprisonment.

6. If the brochure states that your hotel has a formal dining room, this means more than putting on a T-shirt as well as your swimming attire. It very often means more than wearing socks with sandals.

7. When the (male) chambermaid knocks on the door and yells "bed!", he means he would like to make it. The bed.

8. It is inadvisable to slurp your McDonalds milkshake when you come to the end of the carton. Especially when there is a lull in the church service.

9. The local delicacy is something of which the population is justifiably proud. It is unbecoming and discourteous to grimace, gag, spit it out, or fall over when you find out what it is actually made from. The whole animal is specially bred to provide delicious nibbles.

10. When wearing shorts for the first time since year 7, pay no attention if you hear talk of "milk bottles". Also, people in other countries don’t pronounce "cellulite" as we do, so you may have misheard them as they were on their way to "Spud-U-Like".

Library Staff Q & A

Q I have been getting the feeling lately that I am not valued as a member of staff. Every time I have tried to go the extra mile, I have been slapped down by my manager. Where am I going wrong?

A The extra mile you went was the mile you followed the woman home. This is known as stalking and is now a criminal offence.

Q My manager has taken me to task for waiving too many fines. Can you tell me the correct procedure?

A Certainly. The only acceptable excuse is death. Even then, we will go after the next of kin. If there is no money in the family, we can go to court to place an attachment on the funeral expenses.

Q I recently confiscated an 8 inch blade from one of my junior readers. She was about to plunge it into another child. Should I be worried?

A Yes. If you intended permanently to deprive the child of the knife, then that is theft.

Q I am beginning to feel my age. Should I start taking things easy, or keep going flat out until I retire?

A You are twenty years of age. How do you think the rest of us feel?

Q What are your views on office romances? I am married with two pets, but feel it would add spice to my life if I gave in to the feelings I have for a colleague. I suspect my partner is doing the same already.

A Yes he is. Wait till you find out who it is.

Q Do you think columns like this really help people?

A Don’t be stupid.